After my addiction was exposed and I was on display to my small home town. I felt completely exposed. It was the most raw and vulnerable experience of my life; but, there I was. No more image to protect. No more secrets to manage. No more lies. Just me.
For a long time, I thought that healing meant getting clean and back to my old self. I was under the strong belief that I did not have a problem with drugs. I believed that if I could just stop using, everything I had lost would immediately come back to me. I also believed that the whole reason I was in this situation was because I had an abusive ex boyfriend. It was all his fault that I became a heroin addiction and to be honest, it was much easier to blame him, than it was to look at myself. Little did I know at the time, I never wanted to return to my old self; my old self allowed me to become addicted to a drug that almost killed me, time and time again. It was not until years later that I realized my life was my own responsibility, nobody else’s. This type of clarity was truly uncomfortable. Realizing that this was all my choice, made me accountable for what was around me and all that I had lost. I had realized that I had abandoned myself long before anyone else did.
As I continued to heal through counseling, sobriety and internal reflection, I began to realize that taking ownership was only going to allow me to stop hiding and begin to rebuild the life I want. For me, that ownership eventually, years later, turned into service. I could not have gone through all of this pain for nothing. I could not ignore how many women were still suck in the same cycles I was able to escape by finally getting arrested.
The only way we can begin to change our lives, is to first hop in the drivers seat again, take the wheel, and begin to move forward down a road you have not traveled. Ask yourself, “What am I still hiding from?” Start building. Even if it is small and even if you are scared. If you have stopped hiding, don’t stop there. Start building or, better yet, start becoming…
Leave a Reply