Photo Credit: PickPik
Over the years I have been telling my story with intention. I have been transparent because I want people to understand that addiction has no face and that anyone can unintentionally fall victim to a substance they never saw coming. Because of this, I have had opportunities to share to audiences and through interviews. During these encounters, someone always asks “Andrea, what was the moment you decided to change? What was it that made you stop?” And without fail, every time I pause. Like it is the first time I’ve ever been asked the question because, the truth is, I don’t know if there was one singular moment. And sometimes, I wish I had a better answer.
There was no lightening strike. There was no immediate moment of clarity. There was not one thing that worked; it was a cycle of trying and failing over and over again, until finally, I was sick of it. I had mentioned previously that part of it was I was so tired of other people telling me how to live my life; not that I didn’t need the direction, because I did. But, I was truly tired of being in facilities I didn’t want to go to. Tired of the courts telling me where I had to be and when daily. Tired of disappointing people that loved me. And as cliche as it sounds, I was just tired. There were so many moments.
One day, I remember sitting in the back of a car at a gas station. Someone I knew was in the front seat and we were all using together. The others left from the car to go inside and it was just the two of us. The vehicle was silent; both of us were in our own worlds, but in the same space together. Out of nowhere he said “what are you doing out here Andrea? You don’t belong out here”. His statement wasn’t harsh and it wasn’t judgmental. It was honest. Everything went back to silence as I didn’t know what to say. I just remember the feeling it gave me…he was right. I didn’t. That was one of those moments I couldn’t unhear. Once of those cracks that slowly started to break through the shell I was living in. Something amazing about that story is, he is also clean today and has been for many years. We are both living lives on the other side.
Looking back, change did not come from one decision or one rehab. It did not come from one arrest, one overdose, one bad day. It came from being worn down by my own patterns. It took multiple events over time, which made me realize, this isn’t who I am. Like I said, I think people outside of addiction are looking for that one big moment where we just simply change it all and for us, the moment we decide to finally change, it doesn’t feel all that monumental. Maybe it is because we failed so many times, we are unsure if this time is going to be different. Maybe we are terrified. Who knows but, something I am certain of, is consistency down a different path will always provide a different outcome.
So now, I will ask all of you what was your moment(s). Not the polished version or the version you think others want to hear. I want to hear the real version. Was it loud or quiet? Was it a rock bottom or a series of events? Did you go to bed finally after not sleeping for days and wake up with that clarity I mentioned earlier? I want to hear it. There are people out there now, wishing for a sign that it’s time and perhaps, our stories will give them the nudge they are seeking.
If you’ve lived it, share it! Drop your story in the comments because your moment(s) might be the one that helps someone else find theirs.
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To Those Who Should Still Be Here: An Open Letter to the One’s We’ve Lost to Addiction
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